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Monday, April 30, 2007

My Friend, My Friend... Lover? A Tour Synopsis

Zebastian found a time machine somewhere in Belgium.

Where to go with this TIME MACHINE? This was the first question we asked ourselves. Courtney Love's shower circa 1997? The emergency room immediately following the Richard Gere gerbil incident? Woodstock? Altamont?

Actually, there wasn't any debate at all. We promptly set the device to stop at each day of the greatest month in the history of rock 'n' roll, and perhaps the history of all mankind. I'm talking about the My friend, my friend... Lover? Tour of course.

Come along... Relive it with us:

My Friend, My Friend… Lover?- In which Zachary is bound, gagged, and cooked with a recyclable kitchen standby, yet we still manage to begin the tour. Thousands rejoice, thousands more enlist their daughters in after school self-defense classes.

Air Force Fun Mixes Metaphors, Sets Sail
- In which we meet a few important cast members for the tour, and the York Fibber's club receives an intimate tour of Nathaniel's most important cast member.

Little Sausage is Well Prepared
- In which Little Sausage proves his worth; breaks arms. Liverpool is frightened.

Glasgow Kisses, Birmingham Ghosts- In which Scottish facial hair is studied and ultimately eaten. Also, Birmingham takes us six feet under.

More Facial Hair in Leeds- In which our dear friends Alan and Laura bless our upper lips, enabling mustaches en masse.

Cardiff Report Coming Shortly...- In which the Cardiff report is hesitant to exit my brain for fear of being upstaged by a strange Glaswegian.

Let The River Run...
- In which Carly Simon squeezes our mind grapes to the point of insanity, and we are unsure if Cardiff, Manchester, and Nottingham actually exist, or if they are merely chubby drops of mind ether sprinkled upon us from the legendary vocalist. Also, we drink a lot of cough syrup.

Bristol Beecham's Fuck You; Brutality in London- In which we continue our journey to the outer reaches of reality on the back of Beecham's All-In-One cough syrup. It is a healthy steed. There might be a show on a boat in Bristol. There is definitely raping and pillaging in London.

The Blood Arm: Outsider Competitor With Only A Little Chance Of Win -OR- We'll Slay Our 70 Virgins Now, Thank You
- In which we land in Tourcing, France, and Little Sausage passes gas. Also, Zebastian instructs the masses how to properly light a TBA show.

Caen Can- In which the French city attempts to kill us via delicious pastries and cakes, and Zebastian's lighting instruction pays off.

Zachary Dreams of Lyon, Stuttgart, Cologne
- In which it becomes apparent that our adventures are not a product of Carly Simon and cough syrup at all, but rather of our drummer's infinite appetite for sleep. Lyon, Stuttgart, and Köln are wined, dined, then amorously taken in the missionary position so we can look them in the eyes while we do it.

HasselON, Germany! -OR- Heaven Is A Place In Münster, Frankfurt and München- In which we learn that David Hasselhoff really is incredibly popular in Germany. Also, we get high.

Berlin, Hamburg, Bremen: The German Sexcapade Continues- In which Ian (our Tour Manager) flaunts his ability to conjure hot girls, we are accosted by a gnome and a freaky blue dude, I wet my trousers, and we all assume new identities.

Hannover... Ghent... aaaaand Weeeee're Spent!- In which Germany and Belgium erase their borders and join together in connubial embrace. Flerman—a German-Flemmish hybrid—is adopted as the new country's tongue. David Hasselhoff is elected King.

Now I must go back... to the future!

I love you all,

Ben Lee Handler

Oh yes, just because the tour is over, it doesn't mean that there won't be regular updates to this page. KIT! (KIT = 'Keep In Touch' in American.)

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