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Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Advanced Russian Math

Now that we are all familiar with the brilliance of the Russian Multiplication System, it’s time we start applying it to real-life. (Fear not, dear reader, I’m not typing about word-problems or homework—G-d forbid!—I’m thinking idioms, metaphors.) Follow me here… If the Russian multiplication system is a simple, ingenious method for solving difficult, though not impossible problems, then all simple, ingenious methods for solving difficult, though not impossible problems are Russian Math!

Let us imagine, for example, that Zebastian has a church service to attend at eight in the morning, and he is expected at a party the night before. The party is sure to go all night. Conventional wisdom would dictate that the guitar player stop by the party, but leave with enough time to get home for a decent night’s sleep so he can be fully refreshed in time for morning services. However, If Zebastian were Russian Math (and he is, he is), he would bring a change of clothes with him to the party, stay out into the morning hours, and change in his car on the drive to his local house of worship.

Here it is in a sentence: That was very Russian Math of Zebastian to party with us when he had to be at church so early.

Another example, this one stolen from Grandmaster B of the Blood Arm: Jonathon Casella, a student of GBOTBA, loves the bottomless cup idea behind the all-you-can drink soft-drink bars at fast food restaurants. Unfortunately for him, the cups available for purchase at these establishments are anything but bottomless; a thirsty customer can expect to be forced to fetch her own refills as many as seven times a visit! (Persons have been known to give up after two trips to the soda fountain, crediting exhaustion.) Jonathon, however, is extremely Russian Math:

A sample sentence: Buying the KFC family-sized bucket for his soda?! Jonathon is a regular Russian Mathematician!

Here are a few more demonstrations taken from real-life scenarios. Try saying them aloud so you can really get a feel for it:

I don’t need to take a shower, I put on extra deodorant this morning… I’m Russian Math like that!

Just Russian Math-it and pull out before I get pregnant!

Cooking the meth in your bathtub instead of buying it from strangers in the street is so Russian Math of you, Dad!

You must be a Don in the Russian Mathia, baking that blueberry pie… Out of strawberries!

After my girlfriend hanged herself in rehab while I was doing eighty-seven days hard time in County Jail, it's Russian Math I survived to write this memoir!

Readers are encouraged to share any anecdotes of how this newfound appreciation for Russian Math has come in handy in the real world. Leave them in the comments section!

Ben Lee

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

James Frey!

10:03 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

James Frey!

11:19 AM  

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