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Monday, January 09, 2006

2006: A Prophecy

After discovering some Ancient Golden Tablets in the hills of stateside New York during the last week of 2005, The Blood Arm sent me on a research expedition to the Hawaiian Island of Oahu. Apparently, the tablets prophesized that I—on a solitary expedition to the island during the week of January 1-6—would at some point bear witness to the band’s major milestones for the 349-day period following my tablet-foreseen journey. (The ancient texts instructed that the blood arms destroy them shortly after the discovery, so the validity of these claims cannot be confirmed. It is a matter of faith, they tell me.) The band bought me a plane ticket and hotel reservations and sent me on my way.

Though I was thrilled at the opportunity to visit the tropical island, I had some doubts as to the legitimacy of the tablets purportedly discovered by the band. For one, Joseph Smith did the whole Golden Tablet thing years ago, and I feared the Blood Arm might simply have been trying to mirror his success. Also, as with most everything else they do, the band was incredibly drunk upon discovering the golden prophecies, and it is not unimaginable that they had read them incorrectly. Loyal to the cause, however, I set out on my Vision Quest clear of mind and spirit, and sought out my holy audience with feckless abandon.

I climbed mountains.


Nothing happened.

I swam oceans.


Nothing happened.

Then, as I struggled to sleep in the face of my impending failure on the last day of the journey, I heard a voice, and its godliness was unmistakable.

Ben Lee, hear my words and transcribe them in bullet points for all to read… Bear witness the Blood Arm’s Major Milestones of 2006:

•The songs of
Bomb Romantics, the band’s sold-out, limited-edition, impossibly-priced-on-ebay debut album, will soon be much easier to obtain, in mixes fresh even to those who possess the originals.

•The band will record a new album, better than the original, including the crowd-favorite song ‘Suspicious Character’ (I like all the girls/ All the girls like me). The record will be entitled
Master of Ceremonies.

Master of Ceremonies will be a commercial and critical smash-hit in the UK, leading to repeated tours of the island nation, culminating in four sold-out dates at the Brixton Academy and the first-ever Mercury Prize awarded to a non-British band. (Though critically heralded in the States, the album will go largely unnoticed.)

•Unbeknownst to him, Zachary will father identical twin boys, one slightly better looking than the other. The uglier of the two will spend the majority of his adolescent life seeking out his father. Upon learning of his whereabouts in 2046, the son will strangle Zachary in his sleep. Continents away, the pretty twin will weep, but know not why.

•Sandwiches will replace burritos as your delicacy of choice.


And with that, the voice faded, and my work was done. May these words serve as gospel to you in this New Year.

-Ben Lee

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did the voice give you a date for the realease of the new album?

10:22 AM  
Blogger BLOOD AMBITION 2006 said...

I seem to recall the voice telling me that the band would start recording Master of Ceremonies at the beginning of February. One could speculate that the album would be released a few months following.

3:17 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

thanks... now tell me, did this voice mention a date for a show in LA?

10:55 PM  

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