Goodbye BLOOD AMBITION 2005

Before BLOOD AMBITION 2005 becomes BLOOD AMBITION 2006, I have been told it is extremely important I make a list of some sort, summarizing my 2005. I am not one to disappoint.

This is my year in numbers.

BLOOD AMBITION 2005 entries: 81
Appearances of the word “fuck” in BLOOD AMBITION 2005: 4
Appearances of the word “Zachary” in BLOOD AMBITION 2005: 422
(Physical) Orgasms experienced as a result of typing the word “Zachary”: 6,423
Appearances of the phrase No, seriously, Bloc Party is the Greatest Band EVER in BLOOD AMBITION 2005: 1
Tours of the UK: 3
Average number of (alcoholic) drinks consumed per night of each UK tour: 6.6
Average number of (alcoholic) drinks consumed each night at home: 4.2
Average weight before each UK tour (in English pounds): 86
Average weight upon returning home from each UK tour (in English pounds): 65
Money I’ve made as a result of my work with The Blood Arm (in U.S. Dollars): 50,000,000
Situations in which I’ve fallen down: 62
(Physical) Orgasms experienced as a result of falling down: 4
Panda Cam viewings: 684
(Physical) Orgasms experienced while viewing the Panda Cam: 7,462
Viewings of Nathaniel’s ass-crack: 8,467
(Physical) Orgasms experienced while viewing Nathaniel’s ass-crack: .5
People I’ve met: 2,492
People I’ve touched (physically): 3,136
People I’ve touched (spiritually): 45, 693
People I’ve kissed (women): 979
People I’ve kissed (men): 882
People I’ve kissed with tongue (women): 2,476
People I’ve kissed with tongue (men): 76,896
People with whom I’ve had sexual intercourse (physically): 8,632
People with whom I’ve had sexual intercourse (spiritually): 102,496
People to whom I’ve given orgasms (physically): 2,678,994
People to whom I’ve given orgasms (spiritually): 484,382,111
Orgasms I’ve enjoyed: 8,876,232
Orgasms I’ve not enjoyed: 3
Orgasms I thought were OK: 42
Orgasms I can’t remember: 57
Situations in which I’ve thanked Jesus: 365

Happy New Year!


-Ben Lee

Dyan's Highlights and Lowlights of 2005

From Dyan:

Some highlights of 2005, in no particular order…

Worst tour luck: We were scheduled to play London ULU and the London Barfly in the same night, meaning that we had to sound check at the Barfly in the early afternoon and then pack up all of our stuff and race across town to sound check at ULU, then play a show at ULU and race back to play a show at the Barfly. Right after we rushed through our Barfly sound check and started carrying our amps and instruments down the stairs, I went to unlock the van. As I turned the key, I felt it snap in half…it was our only key.

Best tour luck: As we sat on the curb next to all of our gear (which we couldn’t put into the locked van) panicking about getting to the ULU show, our miracle-working tour manager Michael Quinn disappeared into thin air, reappearing ten minutes later with a brand new key made up by a mysterious locksmith around the corner who was able to make an exact key for the van WITHOUT even looking at the lock. The day was saved. Michael is magic.

Coldest I’ve ever been (not just this year, but ever): London in February. Trudging through the snow (yes – snow) in heels and a cocktail dress is NOT fun.

Best party: Ben Lee’s Renaissance-Talent-Show-themed birthday party. All of the talent show performers were incredible, but Zebastian upstaged everyone with his costume.

Speaking of Zebastian, second coldest I’ve ever been: driving back from Texas in the middle of the night with Zebastian at the wheel, blasting the air conditioner and Christian-country radio so that he wouldn’t doze off (supposedly).

David Bowie album of the year: Diamond Dogs

David Bowie costumes of the year: Zombie Stardust and Jareth the Goblin King.


Favorite new TV show: Run’s House.

Favorite old TV show: SNL (the OC would have won, but what is going on with this season? I mean, really…)

Biggest culinary accomplishment: Baking a vanilla/fresh strawberry layer cake FROM SCRATCH! Maybe baking is the new cooking.

Other favorite 1950s housewife hobby: knitting.

Funniest thing I saw all year:


Happy New Year!

Nathaniel's Favorite Things of 2005

Nathaniel liked a lot of things this year, but some more than others. He typed out a list of the some--and left out the others--for your reading enjoyment. (Nathaniel is the singer of The Blood Arm. Zebastian, whose "Best of 2005" list is included in the entry below this one, is the band's guitar player.)

The Best of 2005, as dictated by Mr. Fregoso:

1. Bruce Springsteen
2. The Rolling Stones (in the 80's!)
3. YouTube.com
4. Marlon Brando
5. Rehearsing My Choir by the Fiery Furnaces
6. Kristen Wiig
7. Andy Samberg
8. Art Brut
9. Donovan
10. Wonder Showzen
Honorable Mention - The Childballads

Things he hated? Guitar players.

Other band members' year-end lists coming soon...

Zebastian's Best of 2005

Ben Lee: Send me a Best of 2005 list for the blog, it will be fun.

Zebastian: No... I said NO!

BL: You did not say that, you wholeheartedly agreed.

Z: Fine. Here is the Best of 2005: 62 - 61, Square Wave Distortion Generator, sleep... You need more?

BL: Yes.

Z: Mythical Uther Pendragon, Father to King Arthur. For my Christmas gift I have asked for the Pendragon Sword. Die Siedler Von Catan. Dave Newton.

More Than Words

Adolescence, for boys, is a time of unlimited possibility—the possibility to excel in sports, the possibility to shine in the classroom, and the possibility to get laid through one’s ability to play acoustic guitar. The latter, in most cases, is easily the most viable. (Sports require the willingness to practice, and book-smarts require the desire and interest to succeed in school.) The only requirements for acoustic guitar hero-dom are an acoustic guitar and an unfettered love for eighties and nineties hair ballads. One hair ballad in particular: Extreme’s “More Than Words.”

I am usually opposed to narratives describing the “look in [someone]’s eyes,” but I’ll be damned if I haven’t seen stars in the peepers of every pubescent teenage boy I’ve ever seen pick up an acoustic guitar before he’s started plucking “More Than Words.” (The only other eyes I’ve ever ascribed adjectives to: Zachary’s drunken wolf-orbs before he molests Zebastian on every morning of every tour.) And I’ll be damned twice-over if every boy who’s played “More Than Words” wasn’t thinking this is it, this is where my life gets good, this is where I touch breast. There’s something about that song that evokes a trancelike state upon he whose fingers possess the know-how to pluck it… It’s a confidence in the normally unconfident, a vivaciousness in the normally flaccid, a libido in the normally impotent. It’s the soundtrack that never was to the beach-[American] football scene of Point Break. It’s a hundred thousand barely-hairy teenage scrotums screaming out, “FEMALES OF THE WORLD, PAY ATTENTION TO ME!”

It’s a desire to rock the world as its never been rocked before. (Even though the world has been rocked that way since July 19, 1990.)

Perhaps the most amazing thing about this entire "More Than Words" lifestyle is its ability to be summarized in a specific haircut. It's long, but not too-long, shaggy, but not too-shaggy, kempt, yet unkempt. Clean, but not really.

Ladies and Gentlemen, after months of yearning and poor hygiene, I finally possess this haircut. I'm officially naming it the Extreme II, or the Soft Rock. PAY ATTENTION TO ME!


Photos coming soon…

xxxooo,
Ben Lee

Video Games for Information Equality

If you don't finish playing with that old Playstation then I'm gonna send it to the information-starved children of Africa. They appreciate things over there. They'll turn it into a computer and use it till it's all gone, unlike you ingrates.

(Is it just me, or is this idea just slightly demeaning and a little ridiculous?)

More later.

-Ben Lee

Photees, etc.

Last night was oh, so much fun...






And how can I forget... Hanukkah is coming!

-Ben Lee

Reminder

I am what you are doing tonight: Light Opt(s): A Selection. (Remember it's only from 6-8pm.)

Bring me a present!

Corrections

Surprising as it may seem, we here at BLOOD AMBITION 2005 occasionally make mistakes. (See, there was one just now... BLOOD AMBITION 2005 is, save for the column by Dyan, the work of one man. Myself. I just typed “we here at BLOOD AMBITION 2005.” BLOOD AMBITION 2005 regrets the error.)

Other snafus requiring mend:

•The phrase What Is Really Going On?, or WIRGO?, is the intellectual property of one Mr. David Kleiler—author, indie-rock figurehead, myspace enthusiast, director of TBA’s video for ‘Say Yes’, and all-around genius. WIRGO? is a state of mind, which is better illuminated here than I could ever hope to accomplish. BLOOD AMBITION 2005 regrets its failure to duly note this fact in the December 2 entry.

•In February, I wrote of a movie entitled Transmission, starring Randy Quaid. The film is actually named Frequency, and stars Dennis Quaid, not Randy. BLOOD AMBITION 2005 regrets the error while noting that Randy is, in fact, the more talented actor.

•Amazon.com lists The Corrections as being authored by yours truly. This is incorrect. Jonathan Franzen wrote the book. BLOOD AMBITION 2005 regrets this error, but accepts no responsibility for its occurrence.

•This morning, upon waking and glancing into the mirror, I saw Viggo Mortensen staring back. In reality, it was not the Lord of the Rings hunk, but my own reflection. BLOOD AMBITION 2005 regrets this error, but implores the reader to understand the mistake. He and I look exactly alike.


•The foul smells emanating from The Blood Arm’s dressing room at the Wiltern show on November 17th were not the product of BLOOD AMBITION 2005’s inefficient digestive tract, as was insinuated by those who fled in horror and nausea. It was Zach. I swear. BLOOD AMBITION 2005 regrets this error, and demands that the accusers apologize immediately.

•A “corrections” column is also appearing on the We Are Scientists site as the very words you are now reading are typed into my computer. BLOOD AMBITION 2005 regrets this coincidence, questions whether it is a coincidence at all, and hopes the We Are Scientists burn in hell for stealing my idea before I even had a chance to think it.

LoveSpoon

Last night we of the Blood Arm Posse attended a taping of Last Call with Carson Daly, as our dear friends Spoon were performing on the show. Because we are Very Important People, the producer sat us in the Very Front Row, not five feet from Mr. Daly and his guest, Jennifer Love Hewitt.

This was Incredibly Awkward.

It was sort of like being forcibly sat down in front of a conversation between one’s wealthier, better-looking peers, then tickled with a long stick every time they said something witty--aggressively tickled to the point of laughter. In fact, it was exactly like that, though they used a tazer gun instead of a stick. And instead of witty banter, we were tazed when they made comments about Garfield: The Movie.

Fortunately, Spoon was there. They played “The Two Sides of Monsieur Valentine,” and it was good. Then we drank, and it was good. (Q: When is drinking not good? A: When you’re pregnant.)

Here are the details for the LightBox Party, at which Boadwee and I are DJing, performing, and showing a video:

December 10, 6-8pm
LightBox
2656 S. La Cienega Blvd.
Los Angeles, CA 90034
www.lightbox.tv

-Ben Lee

Oh, Marriage

The wife and I are totally in love with Kenny Beans and Keith Boadwee (a.k.a. Grandmaster B of the Blood Arm, a.k.a. GBOTBAAKATAFKAKB).


Is it legal for one married couple to marry another married couple? If so, we formally propose to KB and KB. If illegal, we informally propose. Either way, you're all invited to the party.

It's taking place this Saturday, December 10 from 6-8pm at the LightBox. GBOTBAAKATAFKAKB and I will DJing, performing, and showing the video we made this weekend. Art will be displayed, the booze will flow freely, and you needn't open your wallet the whole evening (everything is free, save for the art).

Seeing as how the Blood Arm won't be performing again till 2006, you've got a lot of time to kill... Might as well celebrate with us. (We're registered at Macy's, Pottery Barn, and BevMo.)

See you Saturday!

-Ben Lee

What is Really Going On?

You: Ben Lee, I love your stories and everything--it's quite possible you're the funniest, wittiest man I've ever encountered--but what’s going on with the Blood Arm? I mean, what is really going on?

Me: They're looking to get into the studio As Soon As Possible to record the Best Album Ever. Now Leave Me Alone. GAWD.

This weekend the wife and I are driving to San Francisco to make karaoke videos with GBOTBAAKATAFKAKB. More on this later.

-Ben Lee

Best (Stage) Personalities

The Blood Arm have been named Best (Stage) Personalities for L.A. Weekly's "Class of 2005!"

Word!