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Friday, July 28, 2006

It's Good To Be Back

So I’ve neglected my TBA diary duties as of late. Please forgive me, and trust that there have been a variety of reasons for this.

For one, I’ve been busy pursuing another flat-out failure of a project that very nearly ruined my life. Have you folks been keeping up with your pornography? You know, the super-amateur, produced-via-camcorder, fathers-teaching-sons, younger-men-with-older-women, obese-men-wearing-jockstraps-while-worshipping-the-feet-of-women-with-longish-toenails… that kind of stuff? Well, I spent much of the last month trying to carve out a niche of my own in this market. I came up with Puppy Porn.

Puppy Porn was basically younger couples going at it on-camera in rooms filled with thousands and thousands of puppies. Some of the puppies would watch the couple, some would lick them and try to join in, and some would simply scratch themselves, go to the bathroom and nap. It was sexy, and my investors were thrilled. Well, they were thrilled until the lawsuits, lawyers, and warrants-for-arrest started pouring in.

Apparently, my business model violated a number of laws, building codes, and pornography guidelines for the ethical usage of animals on film (there are ethics in porn? who’d have known?). I went deep into depression and deeper into debt—both monetarily and morally. Wife left me. I whored myself for drugs and food, and contracted more viruses and bacterial infections than I ever knew existed. I routinely contemplated suicide.

But there was a light at the end of the tunnel, and that light was the Blood Arm.

Four hundred thousand dollars in fines, 600 hours of community service, and about 165 ounces of black-tar heroin later, I decided to return to my position as Master of Ceremonies.

My rebound has been sweet. There have been parties, tons of parties. Birthday parties in honor of Dyan aging, pool parties because it’s been too hot for clothes in Southern California, knitting parties because sometimes we swing that way, etc, etc.

And at these parties there’ve been celebrities. Tons of celebrities. Celebrities including, but not limited to:

Ian Thorpe and the Grates

Richard Simmons

, Nathaniel, and Jim Morrison

(In fact, it was Richard Simmons himself who instilled me with the chutzpah to get up and blogging again. Cheers for that, Richard!)

Anyway, it’s good to be back, and myself plus the Blood Arm cannot express how excited we are to see you all again in the coming months. There’s a new single and album to eagerly anticipate the releases of, and thousands of yet-to-be-made friends to look forward to meeting… Life is grand!

It is so good to be back.

Ben Lee Handler

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

finally... thanks for coming back, we missed you.

12:13 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That pic with Richard Simmons is priceless! Mike and I can't wait to see you guys again. DaniaXXXX

12:34 AM  

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