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Friday, March 09, 2007

Zachary is Aging

That's right, as of today, our dearest Zachary is another year older.

Let's review the major milestones of his life thus far (and if you've been lucky enough to see them, you know it's the truth when I say his milestones are MAJOR):

March 9, 1979 - Zachary John Amos is born in Santa Ana, California.

March 10, 1979 - Speaks his first word, "Drum." Two hours later he speaks his second, "Sex." These words, coupled with "I want," comprise the entirety of his vocabulary for the next twenty-two years.

March 13, 1979 - With his rattle from his crib, the four-day old successfully keeps rhythm with the entirety of Los Angeles radio station KCBS's Salsa Hour with Santos Del Rio while his mother, Joanne, cleans his room. Joanne instantly recognizes the baby's genius and contacts the radio station, thus beginning young Zachary's ten-year tenure as KCBS's Sensational Salsa Baby. (The moniker is later changed to Sensational Salsa Boy.)

May 25, 1989 - Abruptly fired from KCBS after he is discovered in a utility closet with 42 year-old Patricia Moonves, the station manager's wife. In her subsequent trial for the delinquency of a minor, Moonves is quoted as screeching, "You must understand, he's not just a boy, he's a sexual prodigy!"
Zachary simply bows his head and whispers "I want sex" in response.

May 30, 1989 - June 15, 2002 - Perfects his drum technique. Slays 10,000 virgins. Eats only raw chicken.

June 16, 2002 - Joins the ranks of the Blood Arm, the Greatest Rock and Roll Band in the History of the World.

March 9, 2006 - Turns 28.

I love you Zachary,

Ben Lee Handler

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Anonymous *Audrey said...

So, Happy Birthday Zach =D

1:49 AM  

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