We Are All Prostitutes; Coachella

When I was in University, I used to write a sex column for my school newspaper. For the column, I wrote about my even younger days as a male prostitute. The pen is mightier than the penis—this was my rationale, as I could service a significantly larger percentage of the population with my words than I could with my street business, not to mention that I could theoretically use the column as a resume-builder if I ever decided to go back to hustling. I wrote about diets of semen, sex with mirrors, sex with relatives, and scabies infections. About midway through my career as a University sexpert I got tangled up with the Blood Arm. These days, I find myself more in the role of pimp than anything, prosaically selling the band to crowds from Los Angeles to London. I all but forgot about my history in the sex trade. (Though I am not particularly ashamed of my past, there are certain aspects I’d prefer not to revisit. The beatings, for one. And the pregnancy! The constant pregnancy!)

Of course, one never can escape his roots completely. Wife and I recently visited her mother in San Diego for dinner. The meal went smoothly and everyone was cordial. When I returned home, I sent my mother in-law an email thanking her for having us—I’m a polite young man, and I really did enjoy our time together. However, in the mean time, the woman had taken the liberty to perform a Lexis-Nexis search for “Ben Lee Handler.” From this, she discovered my University sex columns, and from the columns, she learned of my earlier dalliances. She replied to my thank you note with the full text of my columns cut-and-pasted into the body of a message. She typed, “FYI, it’s still out there” in the subject line. We haven’t spoken since, and she frequently attempts to convince Wife of my homosexuality. (Wife is used to this sort of thing from just about everyone we know.)

Now I am sidetracked. This entry was supposed to be about Coachella. We of the Blood Arm Posse have sufficiently whored ourselves to the necessary parties, and have thereby acquired passes to the festival. Check back after this weekend for a full report of the festivities.

-Ben Lee

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